Sports Wank #3

- Well we did it. The Turbos will be in the top division for another season, and while I’m pretty fucking delighted, it’s hard not to worry about what’s going to happen from 2011 onwards. Steve Tew still wants the 10-6-10 split, and says that it’s still the most popular option among the unions, so it’s looking likely that we’re going to have a repeat of all of this year’s squabbling in 2011. It seems kind of pointless to continue to push for the 10-6-10 split if it’ll continue to be met by appeals and legal threats from the unions facing the chop, so the NZ Rugby Union would save itself a whole lot of trouble if it just scrapped the idea completely and focussed on making the 14-team competition work.

As a fan, I’m not completely opposed the Players’ Association’s proposal of a 7-7-12 split, as long as the second-tier competition is televised and there is automatic promotion relegation. Obviously I don’t think it’s as good as a top division of 14-teams, and there is still the potential for second-tier teams to lose their best players, but it would reduce the operating costs of the unions and the competitions would fit into that nice little 12-week window the NZRU wank on about.

One thing that pisses me off about the outcome of last week’s NZRU board meeting is how the unions facing the chop have been made to look like the bad guys. Tew and Jock Hobbs expressed their frustration at how the negotiation of the collective bargaining agreement with players and the lodging of appeals and threat of legal action from endangered unions prevented them from restructuring the competition. Today Stuff.co.nz reported that Tew had raised his frustration with the unions as their different agendas stalled the process and said some common ground had to be found, and he was quoted as saying, "We talked about every time there is a tough decision on the table people are going to resort to an appeal process or legal action and effectively render a democratic process useless.” Well, firstly, did he expect the four threatened unions just to lay down and let the NZRU drop them without a fight? Its obvious Tew can’t handle the little guys sticking up for themselves. And as for this “democratic process”, the unions were forced to sign a participation agreement for the 2009 Air New Zealand Cup that stated that they would allow the NZRU to make future changes to the competition as they saw fit. If they didn’t sign this, they were told that they couldn’t compete in this year’s competition. How’s that for democratic?

- One last thing: I heard that Turbos winger Andre Taylor has signed with Taranaki. I don’t know if it’s true, but because I’m not currently working for any publication, I don’t feel the need to check these things (because why should I spend my spare time doing things like checking facts when I could be playing Xbox?). I’m throwing it out there to see what happens, and if it’s true, you read it here first.

The perfect Christmas gift for the guy who loves computers and boobs...

...and isn’t getting any action.

I came across the Yumi 3-D Soft Chest Mouse Mat a little while ago (don’t as how). It seemed kind of funny until I read the following product description:

They're not real... but they certainly are spectacular! Looking for somewhere soft and comfy to rest your computer-weary wrist? This should do the trick and give you a more "hands-on" approach to playing "Leisure Suit Larry" at the same time. This incredibly clever mouse pad features Yumi, a pink-haired anime girl dressed in a white swimsuit with a great place to relax your wrist while you click away on your favorite websites.

While other Mouse Pads offer an uncomfortable flat surface, Yumi's ample bosom creates a much more interesting, squeezably soft nesting place that cradles your arm as you surf. The unique design also features bright colors and the girl's wry smile, but most eyes go... well, you know where. Yumi is definitely "gifted," so share the fun by buying one for yourself and another for a friend! Measures about 10 1/2-inches tall x 9-inches wide.Features "try me" packaging! Just put your finger in the hole on Yumi's chest and "feel it to believe it!"

Whoever wrote this description wants you to do dirty, disgusting things to this mouse pad that go way beyond simply resting your wrist on its “ample bosom”. Saying that “most eyes go... well, you know where,” and describing Yumi’s boobs as “spectacular” raises a lot of questions about the writer’s grasp on reality, and the suggestion that you buy one for yourself and a friend is one orgy I really don’t want to be part of.

If, for some reason, owning this mouse pad doesn’t indicate that you’re a loser, using while playing Leisure Suit Larry definitely does.

They’re selling these things at Mighty Ape for $39.99, which is a fair bit of money to tell someone that they need a girlfriend.